Transgender?

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I’ve always had the expectation

To be one way, and not the other

Just be a girl

Without gender

To not be bitter

Just be sweet

Always hope

To be someone

Who is strong

But never become,

For the fear that I may rebel against these expectations

I only see the black and white of this world

Sure, there are rainbows, 

But none of them are for me. 

 

Fifth grade, 

Tides and waves

Of gender conformity

Granules of gender based microaggressions

Each speck, building to something more.

I had just one wish:

A wish about who I want to be.

Were all my birthday wishes not true?

Did all my wishing on a star burn out?

How are the fairytales true when I can’t get my own?

No, I won’t let go of my happily ever after.

It’s been inside of me this whole time, 

Building, burning, and reshaping

Every grain of sand

Turns into beautiful glass 

I saw the colors,

Spectrums of which I turned away 

Because everyone told me not to look

And I was the one who 

Questioned why I felt that way

The future for me was clouded 

By people’s impossible expectations

Now I see the truth through all-seeing glass.

I am a girl

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I used to see gender as light and dark

Black and white.

But I now see the spectrum,

And it excites me

I want to be that person who is free to choose.

Decide who I want to be.

Everyone forced me to support their

Happily ever after, 

But for all those years

Wishing for my own happily ever after

Being the “Honorary Girl”

Looking in the mirror and saying I was less than.

Not conforming and fitting in.

The naysayers might say,

“Why are you making life so hard for yourself?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Why are you such a freak?”

I am making life “hard for myself”

And I didn’t understand myself until then

I am a freak.

But does that make me less deserving of love?

Am I not a woman because you say so?

Whatever you see is different than what I see.

I see choice of gender replacing force of gender

I see the rainbow.